I couldn't sleep and I've had these type of nights way too often actually. I've had a lot on my mind lately and truth is ever since my mother has passed I haven't been able to recover. As you can see a few posts back was of me going on about how I had to take care of "myself" and blah, blah, blah. I felt so guilty and selfish just reading it. I guess I wanted to believe my own feelings to justify my frustration. I just hate that I couldn't be there on my mothers last days. Rest in love to my queen, my mother Moliauifoga'a Tautalatasi. 10/01/1955-03/30/20014 Probably why I beat myself up so much. With that being said I was inspired to blog about my feelings.
Growing up it was always mom and I. My sister always had my dad. She bonded better w/ him, she could talk to him and in a way, I felt she was his favorite. There is nothing wrong w/ that btw and I am mature enough to admit that's just fine. But that's just it. I had my mom and my sister had my dad. Simple but that was our thing. My dad never expected much from me and growing up I knew he believed in me but really felt like w/ my personality I probably would find my own way. You can think of me as that lil' duckling who trailed behind, eventually finding their way back in the line w/ the other siblings. Mama duck sometimes had to nudge me back towards the right path or daddy duck had to force me there. All in all they had faith I'd make it there.
I was my mom's shadow and our relationship was real. In her own weird way she made me feel safe even through her own struggles. Speaking of my parents has me missing them so much more. My dad has been on my mind lately. I wonder all the time what he's doing and how he is. Recently our family had a meeting w/ him and I pretty much poured my heart out to him. I knew it wasn't the time nor the place and mostly that it wasn't appropriate being there was other drama that needed to be addressed. I needed to have a private conversation w/ him. To defend myself though I had just lost my mom. I had so much anger built up in me. I tried so hard to understand why he would be heartless to not talk to my mom on her death bed but he's made it clear that was his decision he'll have to live w/ for the rest of his life. As awkward as it was to blurt out "all I want is YOU" to my father when he asked me "What did I want" plainly that basically summed up how I felt. We never want to think of our parents as a "person" because you've only known them to be your parent. I've thought about how it must be hard for him to live "his" life. I don't want him to ever feel like I pity him or think he has a sad life but deep down inside it's hard to see happiness in his eyes. The night I seen him cry, pout and literally throw himself around made me weep and hurt for him. I've never seen so much pain displayed in my father than that day. I held my head low the entire time shielding my face and trying to drown my cries in my sweater because I hated seeing him that way. Seeing him practically hyperventilate from crying so hard had me realize it's no wonder why I love my family so much. He taught me that in life. My dad was hurt because he knew that he disappointed his own family. Of course in his own immediate family it was probably easier to cope w/ your child being mad at you or even lashing out on you giving the impression they wanted nothing to do w/ you. Kids do that! You know, just throwing the usual fit/tantrum. BUT can you imagine having your own siblings upset w/ you? I've heard bit's and pieces of my fathers upbringing and childhood and I must say the Va'aulu family has been through a lot. My dad being the oldest held a big title over my fathers head especially being that his own father died young and left all 10 of them under my grandmas care. How proud am I to know that what he came from can bring him to what he has become. There isn't many Samoans w/ college degrees back in his day who fulfilled a good career such as his. Teaching was a perfect profession for him. He had a way w/ the youth and it's probably because he can relate to being that troubled, lost child once. My relationship w/ my dad is a lil' weird and confusing but I do love him. He taught me manners at a young age and how to be a humble, presentable young lady. He's definitely a proud father. I'm looking forward to making memories w/ him. Although he lives in Samoa I only hope to get to spend more time w/ him and especially my kids w/ him. Our Va'aulu family will be having our reunion in Samoa next year so that will be fun. Which reminds me I should be saving up. Goodness, I swear I consume my mind w/ endless worries.
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