I took a piece of her mirror!

Every morning she washed her face and brushed her teeth. She'd look in the mirror as she combed her hair. Her hair was getting long, reaching her lower back.  She had hints of grey that blended in. She would stare in the mirror a little longer examining her freckles and her wide brown eyes. Yes she had freckles!  No one knew. Her light brown skin tone hid freckles near her nose.

One morning she noticed her hair was thinning and her smile was fading. Her cheek bones were a little too exposed for her liking. The mirrors reflection was not hers. She avoided the mirror as much as she could. Why have this mirror she thought betrayed her? She had a small hope to find her true self. So she kept this mirror.

I'd catch her nod her head sometimes as if she were disappointed. She caressed her own face and gave out a sigh. I wondered what was going through her mind.  She was beautiful. How could she find any flaws. She'd nudge for my help as this daily simple routine was becoming a difficult task for her.  So I let her hold my arm as I guided her back to her bed.

Month's passed and she continued to visit this mirror.  She called out for me but asked for her walker.  She didn't want my arm and I wasn't offended, in fact I was silently cheering for her.  Her weakness actually gave her strength. Ironic right? When she looked in the mirror she noticed how fragile she became.  Her collar bone was so distinctive.  Her clothes were small yet so baggy on her.  She even practiced her smile.  She'd blow her strands of hair out of her face and didn't even bother to comb it.  She'd turn around and look at me and blurt out a random giggle. She thought the mirror was funny.

I put her walker next to her bedroom door,  moved my bed close to hers and laid there waiting for her to ask me to visit the mirror. She never skipped a day. I admit I enjoyed watching her observe herself. Some days I'd cry and look away and some days I'd give her a high five and pump her up.  It was a weird bond we formed with this mirror. It seemed to be the only thing that never lied.  We needed reality to get us through so we cherished this mirror.

Her days became shorter. Most of it was consumed with sleep to rid her pain. She started to show aggression more. Her thoughts became negative and her words pierced my heart when she yelled. I'd ask her if she wanted to visit the mirror and instead she wanted me to be her mirror.  I couldn't handle the pressure.  After all she was angry,  bitter and short tempered.  I always thought she was beautiful. But was there a way I could make her feel beautiful? Cancer crept up on her and stole her confidence,  her laugh, smile and soul.  I played her favorite music,  hung up inspirational photos and quotes, surrounded her room with memorabilias and hung her large church hats that hid in her closet. I prayed with her,  I danced with her. I sang songs I didn't even know the words to but pretended to so she'd hear my voice. I prayed This was my mirror for her.

"To travel is to live!"

         

Here is the adventure of the Fido families quest to honor my grandmother Flo. One dreadful day my grandmother revealed her battle with cancer was becoming difficult to overcome. We knew Heaven was expecting her soon. I decided the hyperloop was going to be the way we were going to collect moments and memories. I set out to plan the most breath taking scenery she would ever see. I gathered the information from her favorite foods and things she liked to do.  The hyperloop would be our main transportation. My family was all on board with making my grandmothers last moment's unforgettable.
          Sushi is her all time favorite. Anything to do with Japan she loved. We put on our silk kimonos and off to Japan we went. Once we arrived we were surrounded by beautiful cherry blossoms,  the stunning green grass and the traditional home that was designed with open spaces and wooden columns. Laughter was our top priority. My brothers dressed up as Sumo wrestlers and gave her a show. We ended the night with a delicious home cooked Japanese meal made by my sister and I. We also made sure to take photos with Samurai warriors and adorable Panda bears.
            Music and dance was everything to her. Next on our journey had to be her home town,  Samoa. We changed into our matching floral print attire and boarded the hyperloop for another awesome experience. Grandma Flo used this travel time to tell us stories about her life on the Island. Samoa's climate is hot and humid with warm and tropical weather.  It is a good thing the hyperloop is not affected by weather. Since the hyperloop was created to go places at unexpected speed we got to Samoa faster then we thought.
          Faith, family and music is the way of living in Samoa. We were greeted by the angelic sounds of the local church choir. We were so shocked to see faces that resembled ours.  Our large family was very generous. The bond we created was very important to her. We were able to get a glimpse of how she lived. All of the stories she told us came to life. A ceremony was held in honor of her. Afterwards,  we watched the twinkle in her eyes as we danced the night away.
         Finally,  we boarded the hyperloop and our adventure ended. As we laid her comfortably in her bed we took the flower from her ear and gave her hugs and kisses.  We gathered around, held hands and said a little prayer. Her eyelids became heavy, her breath became slow and our eyes full of tears. We were so grateful for the series of events and tiny miracles the hyperloop provided.
      In the end we all loved grandma Flo.  Our last moment's with her were so focused on laughter and happiness that distracted us from her illness. When I grow up I want to make a difference in life. Finding a cure for cancer,  maybe even being the President. I want to make my grandma Flo proud. I also want to make sure my grandmother is always remembered!

This is the cute little essay my daughter Keleece wrote.  FYI it had to be about the hyperloop and some kind of struggle this family went through.  It could be fictional so of course she put a twist to her essay.  I love this. I blogged it to have it for memories.

   

"Some say I'm too sensitive but truth is I just feel too much. Every work, every action and every energy goes straight to my heart."

I couldn't sleep and I've had these type of nights way too often actually. I've had a lot on my mind lately and truth is ever since my mother has passed I haven't been able to recover. As you can see a few posts back was of me going on about how I had to take care of "myself" and blah, blah, blah. I felt so guilty and selfish just reading it. I guess I wanted to believe my own feelings to justify my frustration. I just hate that I couldn't be there on my mothers last days. Rest in love to my queen, my mother Moliauifoga'a Tautalatasi. 10/01/1955-03/30/20014 Probably why I beat myself up so much. With that being said I was inspired to blog about my feelings.

Growing up it was always mom and I. My sister always had my dad. She bonded better w/ him, she could talk to him and in a way, I felt she was his favorite. There is nothing wrong w/ that btw and I am mature enough to admit that's just fine. But that's just it. I had my mom and my sister had my dad. Simple but that was our thing. My dad never expected much from me and growing up I knew he believed in me but really felt like w/ my personality I probably would find my own way. You can think of me as that lil' duckling who trailed behind, eventually finding their way back in the line w/ the other siblings. Mama duck sometimes had to nudge me back towards the right path or daddy duck had to force me there. All in all they had faith I'd make it there.

 I was my mom's shadow and our relationship was real. In her own weird way she made me feel safe even through her own struggles. Speaking of my parents has me missing them so much more. My dad has been on my mind lately. I wonder all the time what he's doing and how he is. Recently our family had a meeting w/ him and I pretty much poured my heart out to him. I knew it wasn't the time nor the place and mostly that it wasn't appropriate being there was other drama that needed to be addressed. I needed to have a private conversation w/ him. To defend myself  though I had just lost my mom. I had so much anger built up in me. I tried so hard to understand why he would be heartless to not talk to my mom on her death bed but he's made it clear that was his decision he'll have to live w/ for the rest of his life. As awkward as it was to blurt out "all I want is YOU" to my father when he asked me "What did I want" plainly that basically summed up how I felt. We never want to think of our parents as a "person" because you've only known them to be your parent. I've thought about how it must be hard for him to live "his" life. I don't want him to ever feel like I pity him or think he has a sad life but deep down inside it's hard to see happiness in his eyes. The night I seen him cry, pout and literally throw himself around made me weep and hurt for him. I've never seen so much pain displayed in my father than that day. I held my head low the entire time shielding my face and trying to drown my cries in my sweater because I hated seeing him that way. Seeing him practically hyperventilate from crying so hard had me realize it's no wonder why I love my family so much. He taught me that in life. My dad was hurt because he knew that he disappointed his own family. Of course in his own immediate family it was probably easier to cope w/ your child being mad at you or even lashing out on you giving the impression they wanted nothing to do w/ you. Kids do that! You know, just throwing the usual fit/tantrum. BUT can you imagine having your own siblings upset w/ you? I've heard bit's and pieces of my fathers upbringing and childhood and I must say the Va'aulu family has been through a lot. My dad being the oldest held a big title over my fathers head especially being that his own father died young and left all 10 of them under my grandmas care. How proud am I to know that what he came from can bring him to what he has become. There isn't many Samoans w/ college degrees back in his day who fulfilled a good career such as his. Teaching was a perfect profession for him. He had a way w/ the youth and it's probably because he can relate to being that troubled, lost child once. My relationship w/ my dad is a lil' weird and confusing but I do love him. He taught me manners at a young age and how to be a humble, presentable young lady. He's definitely a proud father. I'm looking forward to making memories w/ him. Although he lives in Samoa I only hope to get to spend more time w/ him and especially my kids w/ him. Our Va'aulu family will be having our reunion in Samoa next year so that will be fun. Which reminds me I should be saving up. Goodness, I swear I consume my mind w/ endless worries. 

"A baby is a blessing. A gift from Heaven."

There has been quite a few additions to our family tree. One of my nephews made me a great aunt w/ his first born JaTai Renae Moore. She was born weeks before my mom passed. My oldest sister had her son Vincent Siu HoChing on mothers day. I know my mom had something to do w/ that. Don't worry mom we will never forget you. Such an exciting time to have these precious angels a part of our family. Love my babies to pieces! 

I wasn't prepared to lose my mother!

It's been a rough year for me and I am ready to write about my experience losing my beautiful mother. I'm not sure I can get through this because I'm already finding myself pausing just to take a breath. Well, March 30, 2014 on Sunday my mother took her last breath. I made my ticket to see her that same week Tuesday and I wish I could have been there earlier to hold her hand and kiss her goodbye. I just left her 2 weeks prior and I couldn't believe how fast her condition got worse. As long as my mom had been fighting this horrible disease cancer I wasn't prepared to lose her. I tried to bring myself to make things come to reality for me but I just couldn't bare it. We tried talking to my mom about her wishes and I can't imagine how hard it was for her to talk about her own funeral.

 Only way I can cope was to live day by day. What I would do to be back in her room talking stories, running her errands and laughing with her. She was my best friend. We've had our feuds and even when she was sick we fought. I hated when she'd push me away and tell me she hated me for leaving her every time I went back home. It was so hard for me to hear her say that. I had a job and a family to tend to and I tried to make wise decisions. My health wasn't great either so I really needed to take a break. 

I'm so grateful for my family and what sacrifice they endured with me. My husband was awesome helping me get through this and I can't thank him enough. I knew I could count on him and I can't repay him enough for what he has done for me and my family. He never complained and any request I had he made it happen. I love him so much! My children have also been great. They knew the importance of being on their best behavior so things went smooth. When I had to care for my mom they begged me to stay cause they missed me but after praying together and having them understand how much I needed to be there for my mom they were able to understand. 

As for my moms funeral it was beautiful. Her favorite color was purple. I kept asking her the entire time through the process of planning her funeral if we were doing things right. I wanted everything to be perfect and one thing I was able to gather was an old facebook inbox message she wrote me one day when she was depressed. She explained what she wanted us to wear to her funeral which was basically purple. It didn't dawn on me until we were looking for something to wear to the funeral. I swear my mom was there with me. 

My niece and my moms oldest grandchild was pregnant with twins and how fitting was it that she went into labor on the day my mother was burried and had them the next day. Levi Emmanuela Kata-Heimuli 6 lbs 9 ozs, Liam Asolelei Kata-Heimuli 7 lbs 5 ozs and both 19 inches! Fighting the tears posting this one because my niece loved her grandma so much. I know she wanted my mom to meet them but I know she did in Heaven. These little angels were such a blessing. 

" I AM NOT AFRAID OF TOMORROW, FOR I HAVE SEEN YESTERDAY AND I LOVE TODAY!"

Where do I even begin. I have been so overwhelmed, stressed and beyond exhausted with all that has been going on lately. My mothers cancer has gotten worse and since her scare in January I have been traveling back and forth to take care of my mom. I have always been susceptible to colds and flu's. Every single time I have returned home I've had either strep throat, bronchitis, high fever and so weak I can't even carry my bags out the airport. Jetlag, lack of sleep, stress and worry has been all I'm used to. This would be literally my 11th time going through long TSA lines, running to catch my plane cause I couldn't make it to the airport on time, waiting 6 hours in between connections, hopping from one plane to another and having to clean it after each ride, 5 hours of sitting on a plane trying to catch up on rest but I can't cause I can't find a comfortable position. The best way to explain how I feel when I return home is like getting hit by a truck. I kid you not I flew in Wednesday evening and asked my husband to take me straight home so I can lie down and rest. I slept until the next day 24 hours literally. Didn't eat or have the energy. When I did get up it was for 15 minutes to make calls about bills etc. and went back to sleep until the day after. It's Saturday right now and I can say I officially caught up with my sleep. Now I have to juggle working and taking care of my kids. With that all being said where in there can I say I spent time with my own family? I've been so worried about everything and anything and even the things I can't control I worry about. My marriage seems to be suffering and to be honest I have no energy to even care. That's the sad, blunt truth. I have done nothing but fight with my husband about bills, finances, time, money and the kids. That's just to name a few. I've gotten to the point where I have no feelings what so ever and that scares me. I don't want to be this way.  I cried for weeks straight, I've screamed in a pillow more than 10 x's a day especially when I was caring for my mom. She's not a easy person to take care of by the way. She's in denial, she's angry and she takes every opportunity to take it out on me. Every time I leave her to return home she tells me she hates me and why do I do this to her? I am so used to wearing sunglasses constantly regardless of sunshine because my eyes are so swollen from crying all the time. The public would probably think I was some kind of dramatic piece of work. When I leave my kids to see my mom it's the same routine. I break down and cry on the plane because I miss them and I hate what we're all going through. I don't know if there is another word worse than overwhelming that can describe what I feel. I feel like that word doesn't give justice to how I'm feeling. 

But than I decided to pray! How selfish have I been to forget to PRAY? Especially through this time with my mother? How undeserving, unworthy can I be to forget to ask my father in Heaven for help, guidance, faith and strength. I carry the world on my shoulders and think I can do what my poor little heart wishes it can then it crashes down on me and I melt. Just like that! Who am I to seek the Lord when I feel it's convenient! Who am I to ask the Lord for help when I never obeyed his every word. Who am I to ask for forgiveness if I continue to disappoint him by making the same mistakes? With the millions of things that cross my mind daily why have I not taken a second to kneel down and PRAY? When I started to feel distant from my husband, my siblings, my father and even my mother I questioned where my life was heading. What am I really mad about? What am I really fighting with my husband about? Why do I choose the decisions I do? This is in fact is one of the hardest plans God has made for me. To sit and watch my mother die is the hardest thing to do. The sacrifice I've made is hard to deal with. The fact that I feel like giving up is something I'm not used to. I've always tried my hardest in anything I put my efforts into. But all of this is just too much for me. Even with all these confused feelings I still prayed. He's still my father and he'll still listen. I knew ONLY the LORD can clear my mind, my worry and my heart. I knew he would bring peace and walk me through this path he paved for me. When he chose this plan for me I thought I was ready. I thought I could fight this fight and apparently even the fight my mom was fighting. Cancer? Pssst I got this! That was my attitude! But I was so wrong. There has been curves in this road, windy, steep parts of this road and even missing sections to the road where I had to jump across or ask for a hand to help me over. I thought I'd be able to walk it all alone and hold my head high through the process. But how can I walk this type of road alone? How can I hold my head high when I have to wipe my tears and sometimes look away to make sure the coast is clear? 

So when I cried again a long, exhausting night and stared at the ceiling, the only thing I had was PRAYER. Even if I doubt myself or question myself I still turned to my father in Heaven. I knew he would listen even when I was silent or didn't know what to say. He heard my heart! The one person I thanked the Lord for (which was my husband) was who was getting the bulk of my attitude and that wasn't fair. If there is anyone that needs and can walk this road with me it would be my husband. I don't know how I can be a good wife, mother and daughter without sacrificing some time from each of them? So where do I draw the line? Simple.

I'm taking care of ME! Is that selfish? No......why? Because I can't be sick and expect to take care of my mom. I can't be exhausted and expect to come back to my children who have been waiting for my arrival for weeks just to sit down and eat or play. I can't be so strong to take care of my mother 24-7 with literally 2 hrs of sleep a day and come home to my husband who really only wants to hold me and embrace the fact that I'm in his arms. These are the things that matter most to me. So I need to take care of me! Take it slow. Day by day and let the Lord, my husband and my family HELP me! I have to accept it because I'm just driving myself crazy. I'm wiping my tears and putting on my mommy, wife, sister and daughter hat. I don't know how I'm gonna find the balance between it all but I promise I won't go through the same heart ache if I can avoid it. I beat myself all the time when my mom expresses her feelings towards me in such a hateful way but she has to understand I am a MOTHER too! I have to stop throwing all my problems on my husband because he can't tell me how to feel. He can't do anything about my mom throwing fits so telling him everything I go through at once could be overwhelming for him I'm sure. When I go home I've tried to make it an appoint to do just that BE with my family. Not with my mom, my siblings or anyone else for that matter just them. My husband and my kids. They deserve my attention. I've finally learned that and I know I'll struggle because I still can't figure out what I'm gonna do. But, I'm gonna LET GO and LET GOD! Shout out to my mommy who I miss with just writing this short post. Despite of what I go through and what I've been through with her she still holds a big place in my heart. I love her. Another shout out to my husband. I don't know if one day he'll stumble on my blogs but when he does hopefully he smiles that I mention him so often. lol Maybe this post not so much but he knows I love him. Even when I throw my hands up and think I'm giving up I find myself praying for him more than myself. There's no other Jude in this world and I can't ever replace him so I've never giving up. I love you honey! Thank you for being patient with me and for saying YES when you wanted to say NO only because you knew it would break my heart to say NO. Thank you for calling me at odd hours of the night when I was so tired  and gave you a cranky hello because even that small gesture reminded me that you were thinking of me. Thank you for rushing me to the airport constantly only to see me walk away from YOU. Thank you for loving me even when I wasn't lovable. Thank you! 

To my Heavenly Father who has always been there for me THANK YOU! I know this will only make me stronger! I know you wouldn't put me through something I can't handle. You know me better than I know myself . I'm sorry for being the child I know you raised better than that. You'll always be instilled in everything I do. I may not know it but I feel your presence, your glow through my children especially. My little angels. You've blessed me as a mother to these children and I know I haven't done a great job in taking care of them but I won't give up. You've made me that way! I am so grateful for you Lord and again THANK YOU! 

Strep Throat Journal

I came home Wednesday 3/12/14 went straight to bed around 6:30 pm. Didn't get up until midnight for a short time then went back to bed. Woke up Thursday 3/13/14 in the evening, went to sleep until Friday 3/14/14 morning. Really fatigue, exhausted and jetlagged. Friday my throat was still hurting and got worse by Saturday. Couldn't sleep because of the pain and had my best friend take to me to the ER on Sunday. The only test they took was a pregnancy test which came back negative. Because of my irregularities the Dr. recommended me to a OBGYN. Dr took a look at my throat and with all my symptoms didn't feel a test was needed to determine I had strep throat. I was then given a shot which hurt like hell! It was so thick and was put in my left hip. 

Dr then gave me some pain meds and prescribed me some to take home. That night was so hard for me to sleep. Ended up getting a few hours and Monday the next morning I woke up to no voice at all. My symptoms were worse. My cough was worse, I was more fatigue to the point where my heart was beating fast and I was too weak to even get up. When I swallow it hurt even more. I prayed so hard because I was scared of how sick I had become over night. I slept all day and now it's Monday night. Gonna have to netflix it until I fall asleep and see how things turn out Tuesday! 

Tuesday past and it's now Wednesday. I got my appetite back and I ate some soup and oatmeal. Little bit of biscuits and gravy, eggs and hashbrown. My throat isn't as irritated to take solid foods but I was able to. Felt good to smell food and taste it. Today my husband took me to get some Indian food. Made sense because most of their food is curry like anyway. Only thing I don't like is how spicy it can be even if you ask for mild. I hate spicy food. It just doesn't sit well in my tummy. Hot cheetos is different though. lol But even that I don't eat much of. I still don't have a voice but I've found little bits and pieces trying to come out every now and then. I sound like a seal it's horrible. I'm still fatigue and I've been bed ridden for a week now. It sucks because I want to get up do things with my family but it hurts my body. Have little or no energy and just walking around makes me tired. Well, I'm praying for better days. Tomorrows another day and I hope things get better. 

MY OLDEST BROTHER CLIFTON GOT MARRIED!!

9/28/2013 marks the day my brother got married. Not many people knew I had a brother because he was my mothers son from another man. My twin and I are the only legitimate children from my parents. Of course in my family we don't consider each other half sisters and brothers. We come from the same blood and that's all that matters. 

The story behind meeting my long lost brother is actually a very interesting one. My mom had named my nephew after him and we asked who Clifton was. She told us the story of the sweet innocent child she had to leave behind in American Samoa. The long story of why is another issue. Rather keep it disclosed cause it's really not important. lol Anyway, my sister and I was so excited to know that we had a brother some where out there and set out on a mission to find him. We were in High School at the time and back in the 90's internet had just came out. You remember the dial up kind where you had to have AOL. lmao We started hitting up all the Samoan boards, chat rooms etc. to see if anyone knew someone named Clifton Moa. We finally got a response with a phone number and location. We called him immediately and my mom was overwhelmed with joy to finally hear her sons voice. He was of course a young man at this point. We got his address and wrote him as often as we could. After a while we lost touch just for a lil' bit with my mom and dads divorce happening. We were all kind of in a depressed mood. Sooner or later my mom ended up bringing my brother out to the states. He lived with her for a while and eventually moved out on his own to Seattle, Washington. That is where he met his wife. It's funny how things happen isn't it? I'm sure my brother had no idea he'd come to the states and have a family. I believe there is always a reason for everything. God's plan is wonderful. Really blessed beyond measures to have him as my brother and is so proud of him. We had such a blast at his wedding. Got to meet a lot of family I never met and met his family that raised him. Blessed am I for them as well because w/o them my brother would not have grown up to be the giving, humble person he is today. 

While out in Seattle we stayed with one of my best friends Tiffany Sautia Decelle. She has 2 beautiful babies (boy and girl) and such a nice husband. So grateful to grow up w/ her. We were gonna stay in a hotel but I'm glad we stayed w/ her. It felt so good to see her. We definitely will be going out to Seattle soon! 

While we were out in Seattle we left our children w/ their grandma. How amazing it is to have my kids be able to grow up w/ their cousins even though we live 782 miles away. Thanks to JetBlue we can have them visit their many cousins out in California. With how big and close my family is we shall be seeing them all frequently. So thankful for my inlaws. Don't think they know how much I really appreciate them. 

XFACTOR

With my new job I've been able to see my family more. 9/15/2013 I flew out to Long Beach, California to spend a couple days with my twin. One of the events I had planned was going to the XFACTOR show. With 4 tickets I invited her sister in law Sami and my sister in law Gloria. 

It was so much fun!

Although I wasn't feeling up to par I made the best out of it. The most exciting part of the trip was being able to see my nieces and nephews. Since they had school I didn't have much time with them. I miss them so much and any time with them is good enough for me! 

JETBLUE CLASS 163

JETBLUE CLASS 163

The last time I blogged I stated I was ready for 2013. It's always nice to look back at what you've said and done and see where you have been and where you are now. I shall start off by saying I am now an employee of JetBlue. Most proud accomplishment I've had so far. Since I was little I always wanted to be in a career that involved traveling. My dad always put it in my head that working for the airlines is awesome so maybe that's why I had an itch for it. I even went to a trade school that would have gotten me a ticket agent job. (lol) I was fresh out of high school and I ended up going down a different road hence my big beautiful family I now have. I love traveling. Seeing new things, experiencing different cultures and lifestyles and just getting to know what's out there. I intend on using my benefits to it's fullest. 

I have made a lot of new friends working for JetBlue. Most caring people might I add were in my class. I swear it was a bit of a challenge for me to graduate though. I am such an over thinker. But cool thing is I got to meet Dave Barger the CEO of JetBlue. Awesome right! 

Cheers to endless flying! 

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”

This collage was the last family pictures we took in 2012. Sad to say it was done early in 2012 around March. I thought it would be appropriate for me to blog into the new year! If there is any year I have come to realize how much FAMILY really means to me it would be in the year 2012. We were able to manage to visit my husband's side of the family for Thanksgiving and have my mom visit us here in Utah for Christmas. A lot of small miracles made those visit's happen for us though. We truly needed it. It has been a lonely ride out here lately and I think it's because we've been so caught up in trying to survive that we forgot to check in with our loved ones. Even talking regularly on the phone would be something we needed to work on. One experience I'd like to share is a moment I had with Jude's sisters in Cali for Thanksgiving.

Story starts with us girls cleaning up. Joanne and Gloria was washing dishes and Jackie and I were clearing the table, wiping and throwing away trash. I seen Joanne looking for something and asked her if she needed help. Turns out she couldn't find the sponge. She had just thrown something away in a box nearby and figured she must have dropped the sponge in there. Well we all started searching high and low for it and ended up having the kids ask Christine for another one. Joanne continues to wash the rest of the dishes and all of the sudden the original sponge we had been looking for appeared on the sink. I stopped and stared literally. I told Joanne "That's not the sponge we were looking for, is it?" She was just as confused as I was and we all thought the same thing. It was dad giving us a sign that he was there. My father in law was always in the kitchen so that lil' prank was typical of him. Maybe not so much a prank but just a gesture to show us he was "there". I'm sure the girls appreciated it and loved the idea of dad giving us all a message. It still gives me chills thinking about it. It's lil' things like this that I'll never forget. There goes a highlight for 2012.

Another moment I must add is when my mom came to visit.  It was really nice. I know I've complained about my relationship with her but I never forget she's my mom. When she came to visit I was so happy to see her. I erased all the hurt I harbored for so long and enjoyed every moment I had with her. Being that she was sick the first few days she arrived she had so much energy. I almost forgot she had cancer. She walked to the market down the street and bought some groceries for the house, she cleaned up around the house and really made herself at home. I loved it. I know she was trying so hard to be independent and genuinely "try" to take care of us. What mothers usually do but it was different. I needed to take care of her. She ended up going into the hospital when she was out here because her bleeding started up again. My mom says it comes and goes. The thing is it's really bad when the bleeding starts. Dr told her that her tumor was spreading and it wasn't getting any better. I pleaded with her that she would get the surgery the Dr recommended but she nodded her head in agreement like she always does. I know her too well to know she does and says things just so we can move on. I hate when she does that. I ended up calling in the whole week she was here because Dr told me if she got dizzy or her bleeding got out of control to bring her back to the ER to have her admitted. I couldn't risk anything happening to her. All I know is I'm glad she was here with us. My kids didn't even care about gifts this year and honestly they hardly ever do any year. But when they were asked to say something Keleece thanked my mom for being alive. I know it sounds weird but to me I think she was saying she was thankful my mom is fighting to stay alive. My daughter Kamerin just wept and couldn't get a word out. I kept asking her if she wanted to say anything but she just kept nodding no and crying. I couldn't force her. She's always been the one to express her feelings anyways. My son Keanu thanked my mom for praying for them. How sweet is that? My oldest Kimani ended our FHE by saying he was thankful for the opportunity to spend Christmas with his grandma and the only thing he wanted for Christmas was "to be loved". We all said we loved him and all of them and that gift will always be number one in our home. I love my children. They have such big hearts. To 2012 I salute you for this great memory.

As there are many more things this past year I am thankful for I wish nothing but more great memories for the year 2013. I'm ready! I am actually psyched for 2013.. I guess it's a normal feeling to start anew with  your goals at the beginning of the year but let's just say.. I am more determined now and focused.

5 THINGS THAT MADE ME SMILE

#1: MY MOM- I paid my mom's fare to come visit us and spend time w/ us for Christmas. She got in yesterday. I'm so glad she's here. My kids came home from school and she hid behind the door to surprise them. They were so excited.  My kids love having her around and I'm already dreading her leaving us!

#2:  SPENDING TIME WITH MY BRO'S FAMILY- My brother came over last night to see my mom. It was cute having the whole family under one roof. Well, not really the whole family but you know with only my younger bro & I living in Utah and all.  My oldest son (our jokester) says "Well we're just having a lil' family reunion up in here!" hahahahhaha You can tell we don't have family visit often! SMH. lol

#3: COUPONS FOR A FREE 12 PACK OF PEPSI - I wrote a lot of companies asking for help with my friend Mac Manu's funeral expenses. PepsiCo was kind enough to send  coupons to try to help. Can't wait to send them to Tarina (Mac's wife). I'm sure it will help a bit.

#4: TALKING TO MY TWIN: My sister is getting together a flower arrangement to take to Mac's funeral and she's gonna make it into a L & B (for Long Beach). We're trying to figure out costs etc. When we talk on the phone it's always a laughing marathon. I enjoy little moments like that. (:

#5: HAVING A JOB- I had to miss work yesterday to clean up my house and pick up my mom. I was so tired through out the week and of course I wait until the last minute to clean up. SMH. I'm glad I have a job though. Having another income in the house always helps. Although we're still struggling. But, before we would be behind on bills & now we're on top of bills. (mostly) lol Either way we are paying them! I can't complain. Their are others who are less fortunate!

“If you have ever lost a loved one, then you know exactly how it feels. And if you have not, then you cannot possibly imagine it.”

Last Friday (12/14/12) their was a shooting in Connecticut that took 24 lives. 18 of those lives were children. All between the ages of 6-10 years old. I know I blogged about the incident  but I thought I'd blog about my personal feelings. I have children of my own all between those ages so I grieved with all those mothers that lost their children. Any mother can feel their pain. Since my children were born it was always just my husband and I raising them. While they were young we did live w/ my in laws until my oldest was 5 and then we moved to Utah. All we have is our kids! And all my kids have is us! We live close to my best friend so my kids have their cousins to grow up with. Of course with all my cousins and their children they have them as well. But really we don't do much but keep to ourselves. Now that I'm a mother I wonder if my parents knew what kind of child I was. I know they knew the obvious like me being goofy etc. but I really wonder if they knew what type of personality I had. What makes me mad, happy or sad. What kind of clothes I liked and toys I'd rather play with? With my own children I am proud to know them the way I do.

Kimani has a very big heart. In fact all my children do. Kimani reminds me of his father in so many ways. He looks just like his dad and has his sense of humor too. He is very independent and has such a good head on his shoulders. The main reason why I can rely on him so much. Jude and I go to work early in the morning so we have to be out of the house by at least 6:30 am. The kids school don't start until 8:40 am. We wake our kids up when we leave and have them get ready, clean a little bit and relax. They are to leave by 8 am so they can walk to school and make it in time for breakfast. My son Kimani is the one with the alarm, phone and house key. They haven't missed school this entire year. Well only Kimani missed one day but that's because he was complaining about a headache. I of course was home to take the kids to school and had him stay home w/ me. Did I mention my son is only 11? I can't tell you how much he helps us. To know that we can rely on my son that way is priceless. He has no idea how much we appreciate him. Although he has his argumentative ways and feels he has to have the last word he will own up to his actions most of the time. He's hit hitting his teen years so voicing his opinion has happened often already. I know I raised him well so I'm not worried he'll take it too far. I know kids can get like that. lol It used to be hard to get the girls and myself ready in the morning so I started getting their clothes ready the day before and I would braid the girls hair so they wouldn't fuss w/ it in the morning. Besides, my son complained they would take long in the morning just to put it up in a pony tail. We all have learned how to make things work and we have the best team work ever. I love my kids.

Keanu was always mamas boy since he was a baby. I can't say so much now because he developed a love for video games and shares the same interest w/ his father so they spend a lot of time together. Keanu has always been so emotional. I never really thought of it that way but he over reacts all the time. I thought it was just when he played video games and he was competitive but it's for everything. It could be Kamerin sitting a certain way and as her big brother scolds her to sit right. When he was a baby he was very protective of his siblings. He was always misunderstood too. When he started talking he would try to voice his requests but ended up pointing to what he wanted. I don't want my son to grow up being misunderstood and would like him to calmly deal with things. He's not out of control or anything but I can see how controlling he can be. I don't know if there's a such thing as "caring too much" but that may just be his problem. He's a very passionate kid so he takes every thing so seriously. He definitely will always be my baby boy no matter what though. Over all he has so much potential and great qualities about him that I know he'll go far in life.

Kamerin which was my first baby girl is also a very emotional girl. She has a hard time letting us know her true emotions. She could be crying her eyes out and will not let us know why. It is very frustrating because no one wants to see their child cry but we are trying to work on that with her. It's a good thing her siblings know most of the time what's going on to tell us why she's upset or sad. On the other hand she can talk your ear off. I know it sounds ironic but I think she harbours so much guilt when she thinks she's gonna get in trouble that she just feels safer not saying what is the matter. She is the one to watch out though. She lashes out when she is mad and I feel sorry for who gets in her way. Her sister has seen that side too many times. I was so mad when I seen her beat up her sister the way she did over something petty. My youngest daughter may act like a princess but she can sure take a hit. lol She pushes all her siblings buttons just for giggles. That one I tell you is something else. Kamerin is such a tom boy. She is most comfortable in loose clothes like basketball shorts or sweats. She hates wearing anything too flashy, glittered or plain girly. I don't mind it at all because it makes her tough. She deals with things so emotionally that I encourage her when she wants to play football or climb trees. It makes her venture out ya know! :)  Kamerin is also very bright. She loves to read and draw. She's very artistic. Since she was 3 she would look at something and mimic it w/ her pencil. It was awesome. Her pre school teachers raved about her artistic ways. Though she comes off as snippy sometimes because she uses her intellect to her advantage. But that's Kamerin for you.

Keleece, my youngest baby of the bunch. She loves and gives with all her heart. She may annoy her siblings on purpose but they can always count on her to come through for them. She can be lazy in her studies and chores but all you have to do is talk her into the groove. The other kids, I have to spank them to make them get on it. I don't have any shame in saying that either. lol My daughter Keleece is a very funny, sarcastic girl. She can be such a ditz. Everyone that knows me says she looks and acts just like me. That reason alone makes me worried! LOL I'm kidding. She loves to dance, sing and play. She is the least shy out of all my kids and I love that about her. My kids may not seem shy to most because they do things that are out going. Like paint their faces for my cousins game, wear the most funniest Halloween costumes most kids would hate to wear or dress up crazy for those "backwards, crazy hair etc. days" they have at school. The only reason my kids do it is because I ask them to. I like unique, spontaneous and funny ideas so my kids are so awesome to let me incorporate my ideas through them. They end up liking the idea or adding on to it anyway. I don't "ALWAYS" embarrass them. hahahahahaha They'll have memories and laugh or smile about it. Not to mention my husband being the same way kind of makes things worse for them but seriously we have good intentions and never make them do something they absolutely don't want to do! lol

My point in describing my kids is this. I don't have my parents in their lives and I hate knowing they are missing out on being in their grandparents lives. I have made a vow to be there for my children no matter what. Whether it's every night on their bed doing our "pillow talk", consoling them, helping each other understand one another or simply loving each other. We have been through everything "TOGETHER". I will never take back my struggles because it has made my kids appreciate every single thing they have. It's been

too many times my oldest son will worry about our gas and bills. Even went as far as letting his friend borrow his game for $5 so he can give us gas money. My car is such a gas guzzler! ): I try not to talk about our financial struggles in front of my kids or to them but I don't know how else to tell them they can't have something they want. I only know I try to be honest. Simple answer is "Sorry we don't have money". It has taught them the value of money but I hate that it makes them worry at times. I never intend to burden them.

I always try to tell them why bills have to be paid and what's important is they live under a roof w/ heat and food. But that's just their loving nature.

I have thanked the Lord countless times of choosing me to be their mother. They are the blessings in my life that I am in debt to the Lord for. My soul mate/husband and children is who I will always be thankful for. I couldn't have asked anyone else to share my life with. With that said what has happened in Connecticut is devastating. My kids mean the world to me and to know they would have lost their lives that way and so soon would break my heart. My daughters went to Cap Head Start (preschool) in South SLC back in 2009 and a woman came to their school to shoot her daughter in law which was my kids teacher. She unfortunately died. The fact that this woman went to the school during the weekend when they had a meeting and there was no school was a blessing for me. I don't know what I would have done had she done that senseless act while the kids were in school. My girls took it pretty hard. I didn't even know how to help them through it because I was just as sad. Kamerin would bury her head in a pillow and cry when she thought about her teacher. Keleece would whale out remarks like "I'm gonna miss her" when she cried. I did make them draw pictures to cope because I know they both enjoy drawing and find peace when they do. It worked. They eventually moved on and seldom talk about their horrific tragedy. They do however bring up their teacher when they hear about death so seeing those children die at the Sandy Hook Elementary School hit home for me.

I thank my Heavenly Father every day for continuing to watch over my children. It is because of him I get to hold their small hands and watch their hands fit in mine perfectly. It is because of him I get to see them smile and brighten my day. It is because of him I hear their laughter spread through the house like music. It is because of him I get to hug them and feel not only their arms around me but their love. It is because of him I see their father's traits, features and personality and is reminded of Gods plan for me. It is because of him I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN to be their mother.

RIP to the little angels and staff who lost their lives at Sandy Hook Elementary school in Connecticut. The heavens welcome those babies and hero's.

The death of a child is the single most traumatic event in life. To lose a child is to lose a piece of yourself.

Sandy Hook Elementary School, where a gunman opened fire on school children and staff in Newtown, Connecticut on December 14, 2012. A heavily armed gunman opened fire on school children and staff at a Connecticut elementary school on Friday, killing at least 26 people, including 20 children, in the latest in a series of shooting rampages that have tormented the United States this year.

 

My heart aches for these families. I couldn't stop crying today because of this. News say :

Twenty children died today when a heavily armed man invaded a Newtown, Conn., elementary school and sprayed staff and students with bullets.
The gunman, identified as Adam Lanza, 20, was found dead in the school.
Lt. Paul Vance said 18 children died in Sandy Hook Elementary School and two more died later in a hospital.
Six adults also were slain, bringing the total to 26. Among them was the school's principal, Dawn Hochsprung, multiple sources told ABC News.
In addition to the casualties at the school, Lanza's mother, Nancy Lanza, was killed in her home, federal and state sources told ABC News.
According to sources, Lanza shot his mother in the face, then left his house armed with at least two semi-automatic handguns, a Glock and a Sig Sauer, and a semi-automatic rifle. He was also wearing a bulletproof vest.
Lanza drove to Sandy Hook Elementary School and continued his rampage, killing 26 people, authorities said. He was found dead at the school. It appeared that he died from what was believed to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The rifle was found in his car.

In rememberence of Mac Manu.

12/12/12 was Mac Manu's Candle Light Vigil. My sister was able to attend and said there was tons of people and tow trucks lined up. Mac's mom Rosita and Mac's fiance Tarina were the only one's who spoke. I'm glad it was a nice turn out. Mac will always be remembered. :'(

I have not heard from any companies to help the family with his funeral so I may be stuck with just Quaker being the only one generous enough to send SOMETHING. Grateful for whatever anyone can help with though. Wish I could make his funeral next week but I have my mom visiting and need to work.

Which reminds me. My mom is coming! Holy crap! She's coming 12/18/12 which is next week Tuesday. Time went by so fast. I have a lot on my shopping list I. I guess this weekend is going to be super busy for me. I still haven't figured out what to do while she's out here. I know Wednesday 12/19/12 is my little nephew Jahvis Fa'asou's 1st birthday so we'll go to that. Besides that we only have plans Christmas day which would be Lorianne and Siu's house around 3pm than our Va'aulu togai. Gotta get a move on things!