" I AM NOT AFRAID OF TOMORROW, FOR I HAVE SEEN YESTERDAY AND I LOVE TODAY!"

Where do I even begin. I have been so overwhelmed, stressed and beyond exhausted with all that has been going on lately. My mothers cancer has gotten worse and since her scare in January I have been traveling back and forth to take care of my mom. I have always been susceptible to colds and flu's. Every single time I have returned home I've had either strep throat, bronchitis, high fever and so weak I can't even carry my bags out the airport. Jetlag, lack of sleep, stress and worry has been all I'm used to. This would be literally my 11th time going through long TSA lines, running to catch my plane cause I couldn't make it to the airport on time, waiting 6 hours in between connections, hopping from one plane to another and having to clean it after each ride, 5 hours of sitting on a plane trying to catch up on rest but I can't cause I can't find a comfortable position. The best way to explain how I feel when I return home is like getting hit by a truck. I kid you not I flew in Wednesday evening and asked my husband to take me straight home so I can lie down and rest. I slept until the next day 24 hours literally. Didn't eat or have the energy. When I did get up it was for 15 minutes to make calls about bills etc. and went back to sleep until the day after. It's Saturday right now and I can say I officially caught up with my sleep. Now I have to juggle working and taking care of my kids. With that all being said where in there can I say I spent time with my own family? I've been so worried about everything and anything and even the things I can't control I worry about. My marriage seems to be suffering and to be honest I have no energy to even care. That's the sad, blunt truth. I have done nothing but fight with my husband about bills, finances, time, money and the kids. That's just to name a few. I've gotten to the point where I have no feelings what so ever and that scares me. I don't want to be this way.  I cried for weeks straight, I've screamed in a pillow more than 10 x's a day especially when I was caring for my mom. She's not a easy person to take care of by the way. She's in denial, she's angry and she takes every opportunity to take it out on me. Every time I leave her to return home she tells me she hates me and why do I do this to her? I am so used to wearing sunglasses constantly regardless of sunshine because my eyes are so swollen from crying all the time. The public would probably think I was some kind of dramatic piece of work. When I leave my kids to see my mom it's the same routine. I break down and cry on the plane because I miss them and I hate what we're all going through. I don't know if there is another word worse than overwhelming that can describe what I feel. I feel like that word doesn't give justice to how I'm feeling. 

But than I decided to pray! How selfish have I been to forget to PRAY? Especially through this time with my mother? How undeserving, unworthy can I be to forget to ask my father in Heaven for help, guidance, faith and strength. I carry the world on my shoulders and think I can do what my poor little heart wishes it can then it crashes down on me and I melt. Just like that! Who am I to seek the Lord when I feel it's convenient! Who am I to ask the Lord for help when I never obeyed his every word. Who am I to ask for forgiveness if I continue to disappoint him by making the same mistakes? With the millions of things that cross my mind daily why have I not taken a second to kneel down and PRAY? When I started to feel distant from my husband, my siblings, my father and even my mother I questioned where my life was heading. What am I really mad about? What am I really fighting with my husband about? Why do I choose the decisions I do? This is in fact is one of the hardest plans God has made for me. To sit and watch my mother die is the hardest thing to do. The sacrifice I've made is hard to deal with. The fact that I feel like giving up is something I'm not used to. I've always tried my hardest in anything I put my efforts into. But all of this is just too much for me. Even with all these confused feelings I still prayed. He's still my father and he'll still listen. I knew ONLY the LORD can clear my mind, my worry and my heart. I knew he would bring peace and walk me through this path he paved for me. When he chose this plan for me I thought I was ready. I thought I could fight this fight and apparently even the fight my mom was fighting. Cancer? Pssst I got this! That was my attitude! But I was so wrong. There has been curves in this road, windy, steep parts of this road and even missing sections to the road where I had to jump across or ask for a hand to help me over. I thought I'd be able to walk it all alone and hold my head high through the process. But how can I walk this type of road alone? How can I hold my head high when I have to wipe my tears and sometimes look away to make sure the coast is clear? 

So when I cried again a long, exhausting night and stared at the ceiling, the only thing I had was PRAYER. Even if I doubt myself or question myself I still turned to my father in Heaven. I knew he would listen even when I was silent or didn't know what to say. He heard my heart! The one person I thanked the Lord for (which was my husband) was who was getting the bulk of my attitude and that wasn't fair. If there is anyone that needs and can walk this road with me it would be my husband. I don't know how I can be a good wife, mother and daughter without sacrificing some time from each of them? So where do I draw the line? Simple.

I'm taking care of ME! Is that selfish? No......why? Because I can't be sick and expect to take care of my mom. I can't be exhausted and expect to come back to my children who have been waiting for my arrival for weeks just to sit down and eat or play. I can't be so strong to take care of my mother 24-7 with literally 2 hrs of sleep a day and come home to my husband who really only wants to hold me and embrace the fact that I'm in his arms. These are the things that matter most to me. So I need to take care of me! Take it slow. Day by day and let the Lord, my husband and my family HELP me! I have to accept it because I'm just driving myself crazy. I'm wiping my tears and putting on my mommy, wife, sister and daughter hat. I don't know how I'm gonna find the balance between it all but I promise I won't go through the same heart ache if I can avoid it. I beat myself all the time when my mom expresses her feelings towards me in such a hateful way but she has to understand I am a MOTHER too! I have to stop throwing all my problems on my husband because he can't tell me how to feel. He can't do anything about my mom throwing fits so telling him everything I go through at once could be overwhelming for him I'm sure. When I go home I've tried to make it an appoint to do just that BE with my family. Not with my mom, my siblings or anyone else for that matter just them. My husband and my kids. They deserve my attention. I've finally learned that and I know I'll struggle because I still can't figure out what I'm gonna do. But, I'm gonna LET GO and LET GOD! Shout out to my mommy who I miss with just writing this short post. Despite of what I go through and what I've been through with her she still holds a big place in my heart. I love her. Another shout out to my husband. I don't know if one day he'll stumble on my blogs but when he does hopefully he smiles that I mention him so often. lol Maybe this post not so much but he knows I love him. Even when I throw my hands up and think I'm giving up I find myself praying for him more than myself. There's no other Jude in this world and I can't ever replace him so I've never giving up. I love you honey! Thank you for being patient with me and for saying YES when you wanted to say NO only because you knew it would break my heart to say NO. Thank you for calling me at odd hours of the night when I was so tired  and gave you a cranky hello because even that small gesture reminded me that you were thinking of me. Thank you for rushing me to the airport constantly only to see me walk away from YOU. Thank you for loving me even when I wasn't lovable. Thank you! 

To my Heavenly Father who has always been there for me THANK YOU! I know this will only make me stronger! I know you wouldn't put me through something I can't handle. You know me better than I know myself . I'm sorry for being the child I know you raised better than that. You'll always be instilled in everything I do. I may not know it but I feel your presence, your glow through my children especially. My little angels. You've blessed me as a mother to these children and I know I haven't done a great job in taking care of them but I won't give up. You've made me that way! I am so grateful for you Lord and again THANK YOU! 

“Tears are words that need to be written”

When someone you love passes away all you have left is memories. Memories that seem painful to think of because you know you can't make more. Mac Manu is my sisters kids fathers nephew. We pretty much grew up with Mac. When he entered high school I was surprised at how grown he had become. I took him under my wing in a sense and me being a senior and him a freshman he really liked the idea of hanging out with me. lol He would ask me every break and lunch for something. Whether it be a cookie or a full on lunch. I was always a sucker for him cause besides my sister and cousin he was the only guy I could call family. I always refered to him as my son. I'm still in shock that he's gone! I hate it!

One of the great memories I have is wrestling with him. As small as he was he always insisted on trying to wrestle with me. It seemed to amuse him that he can slam me on the floor and I could take it. Of course I was a tom boy back in the days so it wasn't uncommon to see me wrestling, playing football etc. When I was trying to impress my boyfriend (who is now my husband) back in the days, he thought it would be funny to tackle me. We were all on the beach and I was seriously trying to look cute in my lil' ie lava lava and he tackles me and I face planted the sand. Yeah OUCH! It was so embarrassing and my husband looked at me confused like am I supposed to beat this guy up or help him up? He just tackled my girlfriend! hahahahaha When I bursted out in laughter he knew that we were playing around. I must have got up and gave him the stink eye and he walked away like it never happened. I always laugh about that memory because only Mac could do that to me and would do that!

He was spontaneous. He had so much energy and always a pleasure to be around. He had an infectious smile and the biggest heart. Everyone is hurting because he will be missed. How he passed away was by him trying to live a honest living. He wasn't shot he was ran over. It really blows!  He was a tow truck driver so being in that kind of business to help others was so him. When he went to assist someone with a flat tire a drunk driver swerved and hit Mac head on. He was dead immediately. Lord took him but made sure he went quick and didn't suffer. It's so sad and I hate talking about it now. I can't imagine how his wife, his babies, his parents and siblings are all feeling. But I pray they be strong.

I have always made it a must to say "I love you" to my husband and children. I realize how powerful and important those words are. Life is definitely unpredictable and too short. I don't know where I would be had this tragedy happen to me. I pray for all those that mourn. If there's anything I take from this is "DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!" I am guilty of doing this once or twice before, back when I was young and stupid. I think to myself  I only had a few beers and I should be okay. I will never make excuses for myself again because no life is worth my ignorance. I'll see you in heaven Mac. Save me a spot! I love you! 

Day he left us was 12/9/12. Sing with the angels Mac. “Remembering is easy. It's forgetting that's hard.”

Thinking about my daddy.....

I've been feeling anxious lately & can't wrap my finger around it. I keep thinking of my dad & I suddenly become sad to the point where I think I'm getting sick. I called him today & left him a message to let him know I was thinking of him. He's in Samoa right now, I believe. Haven't spoken to him since June! I've been having issues lately w/ his wife so I've been a lil' distant from him. It's funny how I suddenly think of him when I'm feeling down. As if he were here spiritually helping me through it. I've been on such a rocky road lately. I thought I could go cold turkey w/ my smoking but ended up back at it again. I just can't seem to blow my steam any other way. I blame stress & everything else for my reason for smoking but I do it when I'm stressed etc. so it only makes sense to.

Today, I ended up reading all my old blogs and my prayer journal has failed in so many ways. Here's some of the things I prayed for and did notice were answered. I prayed my kids would stay close to the lord & w/ their grandpa passing & him being a deacon in the catholic church is what made the entire family more in tuned w/ the lord. My kids spending the whole summer out there w/ my in laws made them even closer to God. One thing I am most thankful for. I of course took them to church & instilled many great morals but I'm glad I got a lil' help. I prayed for my aunty's health to be restored and she's doing great! My husband isn't so fixated on all the worldly hype w/ the New World Order type stuff. Some of the things I asked for myself hasn't really come in to play yet. I don't even have an excuse for it either. I hate that I'm practically even sitting here writing about it as if I couldn't fix it. But because I'm in no mood to explain my stupid actions I feel like a prayer is needed.

Heavenly Father,

Forgive me for asking you for guidance and not accepting you in my life entirely, help me figure out what I need to do here on earth for myself & my family. Help me understand the path you paved for me. If there is any time I could make things better in my life please make it right now. If time is much to ask for and you give me obstacles to overcome first, help me believe I needed it that way. Forgive me for all my sins. Please hear my cry when I need you most because even you can be someone I can vent to. Bless my words & thoughts. Bless my fathers wife for she seems blinded to me by the unimportant things in life. Through the bickering & misunderstandings between her and I, I am at peace to include her in my prayers. Thank you for reminding me to pray for my enemies. I apologize for judging, easily being angered & being stressed out for words spoken by her, because I know you taught me to "Love one another". Thank you for teaching me everything I know today for it helps me cope a lot better. Bless my father most importantly because he's been on my mind. Please Give me hope & faith that he is okay. Lord know I love you and appreciate you. If it's not much to ask for please direct my attention to my family only. All the lil' things I let bother me are coming over me & I need you. I know you're here for me always but I'm finding it hard to listen to your still small voice. Thank you for helping my aunty Ika & Vea through their health issues. I need them here on earth a lot longer Lord. Goes for all my loved ones. I know you also need your angels here on earth but I feel like I haven't accomplished a relationship satisfying enough. Bless Jude & I as we work so we may stay motivated for our children well being. Bless our strength & patience & help us create a constant loving environment for our children. Bless me in the struggles I have w/ communicating w/ my children when I become stressed. Confirm my motherhood duties daily, for you have given me the opportunity to raise them. Give them a voice as well so I may know what I am doing wrong & fix it. Please help me give more hugs, more kisses, more encouragement, support & love to my family. Help me teach them by example so I may follow you Lord. Please continue to give ME hugs & kisses from my children because they remind me of you every day. Bless my family near and far. My sisters, mother, nieces & nephews. Bless my niece as she is in college. Please keep your whispers w/ her always. Bless my sister Lepa in school as well so she may stay focused & continue to study hard. Bless her in her travels & in her daily motherhood routine. Bless Ligi w/ her sports & school. Bless my sister Lei & Mel w/ their families so they may know I miss them dearly and is always thinking of them. Thank you for all that you have done for me & my family. Most of all thank you for listening to me Lord, because I know theirs probably more important prayers out there.

I say these things humbly in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen!

My Prayer Goal...

Today in church our lesson was on "PRAYER". What is prayer, why do we pray, when do we pray, how do we pray & Will are prayers be answered? The first thing I thought of was D&C 10:5. I remembered this scripture from seminary years ago. It reads: Pray always, that you may come off conqueror; yea, that you may conquer Satan, and that you may escape the hands of the servants of Satan that do uphold his work. This scripture is so appropriate for the time we live in now. We were all split up in different sections & were assigned a what, why, when, how and will? Everyone had great answers and touching experiences. Though the topic was the most simplest, I felt it was the most eye opening for me. One woman explained how children so innocent pray w/ most real intent and as should we. So true! I get lost in my prayers sometimes & wonder why I can't be guided by the spirit to help me through it. Children (such as my own) pray w/ such innocence and let it flow. For instance my daughter had prayed for the butterflies & the sand she gets to play w/ @ the playground. It's the lil' things we forget to pray for too! Prayer has indeed been a great tool for me. I tend to communicate w/ our Heavenly Father when I need him most & theirs nothing wrong w/ that but I forget to pray to him for the sole purpose of thankfulness. Of course we need blessings and struggle day to day to make it out of bed even. But do we ever pray for the little things like "butterflies"?

I have been pondering on this lesson since I left church and it's been lingering in my mind all day so far. A sister in RS had made a great suggestion. One in which I want to do so bad. She said her bishop years ago said "If it is hard for you to figure out if your prayers have been answered than write your prayer down in a journal. Every day after follow through & write down what has occured during the week and you'll see that your prayer has been answered. Whether it be a nice sunny day or just another day period. Heavenly Father will give you your answers in time suited for you!" I thought this was such a great idea that I have to do it. My new goal. I guess my first prayer to start this off would have to be to pray more! I know I don't have much followers but whomever happens to read my blogs I hope you don't mind I make this blog ordeal my prayer journal as well as my personal blog. I just think it's easier for me. :)

In other words I have a busy month ahead of me. I decided to make tutu's for all my nieces including Jude's nieces. Not to mention bows, slippers etc. Our family vacation will be in Cali this coming June & I thought why not bring a lil' gift for them. I wish I had something to give the boys that I can actually make & is inexpensive. I haven't yet thought of anything............at all! I may end up just getting them a lil' toy or something Idk. I've made my sister in laws new born girl (who is actually her first girl apart from the 5 boys she has) tutu dress so far. It's totally cute. I'll post pictures on my LNL account so I can show how I did it! :) I also had my sis. in law Mary make my other sis. in laws youngest daughter a tutu & now I have 3 more girls to go! I've got my work cut out for me! Mothers day is coming up soon and I have yet another craft stirring up in my busy brain to make. Last year I gave my mom a cute lil' elephant good luck charm I bought from a hair salon made in China. She loves lil' trinkets like that because she bingo's a lot! lol This year I'm thinking of making those cute bead watches that my cousin Leah suggested to do for our next craft night. That will definitely have to be a fun project. If I can't get around to that I thougt up another cute idea where I will have to perfect in my mind before I tell...lol Let's pray I can achieve every project w/ lil' stress! lol

Oh I also forgot to mention that I was approached in church today by Bro. Matthis for a Father & sons outting. What a great opportunity for my husband to mingle w/ the other church fathers & w/ his boys as well. It's a two day event (fri. & sat.) where they stay in a camp. How fun! It'll be next month which gives plenty of time for him to ask for that friday off or maybe work a day he's off in trade of being off Friday. They'll have activities, water sports, dinner & breakfast will be provided, they'll sleep in a cabin, hiking trails, fireside fellowship, fun & more! I'm super excited and hope my boys will be too so they can encourage their dad to take them. I asked him immediately when I came home & he gave me a shrug and said maybe. He asked for details so that makes me happy cause I know he's atleast considering the opportunity! Let's pray he will take advantage of this. :)

Wel, in any case. It may be awkward to read a prayer than have a random entry but every blog I write is basically like a journal entry anyhow! Well here it goes. I'll end this blog w/ my prayer for today......

Most gracious & loving Heavenly Father,

I thank thee for this beautiful day & everything you created for us. I thank thee for the loving, supporting family you have blessed me w/. I thank thee for my husband who works so hard for our well being. I thank thee for the 4 beautiful children you gave to me. I would like to bless my family at this time so that we may keep all communication lines open w/ you and w/ eachother. Please bless my children so that they may keep you in their thoughts & actions. Bless my children so that they may have patience w/ eachother & w/ others. Bless them to keep their minds & heart pure. Bless my husband so that he may steer away from the hype in this world today & have faith. Bless him so that he may stay supportive of our beliefs and therefor follow in our examples. Please bestow blessings upon me so that I may be able to keep my family close to you & not be tempted to do wrong. Bless those who are less fortunate so that they may find aid & protect them always. Bless my aunty Fa'aita so that she may have her health restored and end this long battle she has had to endure. Bless her family so that they may continue to be by her side & remind her that you are indeed taking care of her. Bless her so that she may feel your presence in times like this and love you more for helping her. Bless our entire family at this time so that coping w/ the sickness of our aunt, sister & mother won't strain our hearts to where it is unbearable. I ask that you give me strength to be the best mother, sister, aunt & wife I can be. I ask thee for forgiveness for I am not perfect.

I say these things humbly in the name of Jesus Christ.....AMEN