" I AM NOT AFRAID OF TOMORROW, FOR I HAVE SEEN YESTERDAY AND I LOVE TODAY!"

Where do I even begin. I have been so overwhelmed, stressed and beyond exhausted with all that has been going on lately. My mothers cancer has gotten worse and since her scare in January I have been traveling back and forth to take care of my mom. I have always been susceptible to colds and flu's. Every single time I have returned home I've had either strep throat, bronchitis, high fever and so weak I can't even carry my bags out the airport. Jetlag, lack of sleep, stress and worry has been all I'm used to. This would be literally my 11th time going through long TSA lines, running to catch my plane cause I couldn't make it to the airport on time, waiting 6 hours in between connections, hopping from one plane to another and having to clean it after each ride, 5 hours of sitting on a plane trying to catch up on rest but I can't cause I can't find a comfortable position. The best way to explain how I feel when I return home is like getting hit by a truck. I kid you not I flew in Wednesday evening and asked my husband to take me straight home so I can lie down and rest. I slept until the next day 24 hours literally. Didn't eat or have the energy. When I did get up it was for 15 minutes to make calls about bills etc. and went back to sleep until the day after. It's Saturday right now and I can say I officially caught up with my sleep. Now I have to juggle working and taking care of my kids. With that all being said where in there can I say I spent time with my own family? I've been so worried about everything and anything and even the things I can't control I worry about. My marriage seems to be suffering and to be honest I have no energy to even care. That's the sad, blunt truth. I have done nothing but fight with my husband about bills, finances, time, money and the kids. That's just to name a few. I've gotten to the point where I have no feelings what so ever and that scares me. I don't want to be this way.  I cried for weeks straight, I've screamed in a pillow more than 10 x's a day especially when I was caring for my mom. She's not a easy person to take care of by the way. She's in denial, she's angry and she takes every opportunity to take it out on me. Every time I leave her to return home she tells me she hates me and why do I do this to her? I am so used to wearing sunglasses constantly regardless of sunshine because my eyes are so swollen from crying all the time. The public would probably think I was some kind of dramatic piece of work. When I leave my kids to see my mom it's the same routine. I break down and cry on the plane because I miss them and I hate what we're all going through. I don't know if there is another word worse than overwhelming that can describe what I feel. I feel like that word doesn't give justice to how I'm feeling. 

But than I decided to pray! How selfish have I been to forget to PRAY? Especially through this time with my mother? How undeserving, unworthy can I be to forget to ask my father in Heaven for help, guidance, faith and strength. I carry the world on my shoulders and think I can do what my poor little heart wishes it can then it crashes down on me and I melt. Just like that! Who am I to seek the Lord when I feel it's convenient! Who am I to ask the Lord for help when I never obeyed his every word. Who am I to ask for forgiveness if I continue to disappoint him by making the same mistakes? With the millions of things that cross my mind daily why have I not taken a second to kneel down and PRAY? When I started to feel distant from my husband, my siblings, my father and even my mother I questioned where my life was heading. What am I really mad about? What am I really fighting with my husband about? Why do I choose the decisions I do? This is in fact is one of the hardest plans God has made for me. To sit and watch my mother die is the hardest thing to do. The sacrifice I've made is hard to deal with. The fact that I feel like giving up is something I'm not used to. I've always tried my hardest in anything I put my efforts into. But all of this is just too much for me. Even with all these confused feelings I still prayed. He's still my father and he'll still listen. I knew ONLY the LORD can clear my mind, my worry and my heart. I knew he would bring peace and walk me through this path he paved for me. When he chose this plan for me I thought I was ready. I thought I could fight this fight and apparently even the fight my mom was fighting. Cancer? Pssst I got this! That was my attitude! But I was so wrong. There has been curves in this road, windy, steep parts of this road and even missing sections to the road where I had to jump across or ask for a hand to help me over. I thought I'd be able to walk it all alone and hold my head high through the process. But how can I walk this type of road alone? How can I hold my head high when I have to wipe my tears and sometimes look away to make sure the coast is clear? 

So when I cried again a long, exhausting night and stared at the ceiling, the only thing I had was PRAYER. Even if I doubt myself or question myself I still turned to my father in Heaven. I knew he would listen even when I was silent or didn't know what to say. He heard my heart! The one person I thanked the Lord for (which was my husband) was who was getting the bulk of my attitude and that wasn't fair. If there is anyone that needs and can walk this road with me it would be my husband. I don't know how I can be a good wife, mother and daughter without sacrificing some time from each of them? So where do I draw the line? Simple.

I'm taking care of ME! Is that selfish? No......why? Because I can't be sick and expect to take care of my mom. I can't be exhausted and expect to come back to my children who have been waiting for my arrival for weeks just to sit down and eat or play. I can't be so strong to take care of my mother 24-7 with literally 2 hrs of sleep a day and come home to my husband who really only wants to hold me and embrace the fact that I'm in his arms. These are the things that matter most to me. So I need to take care of me! Take it slow. Day by day and let the Lord, my husband and my family HELP me! I have to accept it because I'm just driving myself crazy. I'm wiping my tears and putting on my mommy, wife, sister and daughter hat. I don't know how I'm gonna find the balance between it all but I promise I won't go through the same heart ache if I can avoid it. I beat myself all the time when my mom expresses her feelings towards me in such a hateful way but she has to understand I am a MOTHER too! I have to stop throwing all my problems on my husband because he can't tell me how to feel. He can't do anything about my mom throwing fits so telling him everything I go through at once could be overwhelming for him I'm sure. When I go home I've tried to make it an appoint to do just that BE with my family. Not with my mom, my siblings or anyone else for that matter just them. My husband and my kids. They deserve my attention. I've finally learned that and I know I'll struggle because I still can't figure out what I'm gonna do. But, I'm gonna LET GO and LET GOD! Shout out to my mommy who I miss with just writing this short post. Despite of what I go through and what I've been through with her she still holds a big place in my heart. I love her. Another shout out to my husband. I don't know if one day he'll stumble on my blogs but when he does hopefully he smiles that I mention him so often. lol Maybe this post not so much but he knows I love him. Even when I throw my hands up and think I'm giving up I find myself praying for him more than myself. There's no other Jude in this world and I can't ever replace him so I've never giving up. I love you honey! Thank you for being patient with me and for saying YES when you wanted to say NO only because you knew it would break my heart to say NO. Thank you for calling me at odd hours of the night when I was so tired  and gave you a cranky hello because even that small gesture reminded me that you were thinking of me. Thank you for rushing me to the airport constantly only to see me walk away from YOU. Thank you for loving me even when I wasn't lovable. Thank you! 

To my Heavenly Father who has always been there for me THANK YOU! I know this will only make me stronger! I know you wouldn't put me through something I can't handle. You know me better than I know myself . I'm sorry for being the child I know you raised better than that. You'll always be instilled in everything I do. I may not know it but I feel your presence, your glow through my children especially. My little angels. You've blessed me as a mother to these children and I know I haven't done a great job in taking care of them but I won't give up. You've made me that way! I am so grateful for you Lord and again THANK YOU! 

Cancer sucks.

My sister called me to let me know that my mom went into the hospital for heavy bleeding. My mom just got back from California and it was odd that she would be sick already. My sister says it seemed like it was her period but my mom is 57 so she hit menopause 10 years ago, so this was really alarming. My mom stayed over night, took tests and ended up being discharged the following morning. I called her and she says she thinks she may have cervical cancer. After talking to my best friend the symptoms hinted towards me thinking she did have it. My best friends mother had cervical cancer and she actually passed away. Knowing first hand the struggles her mother went through made me uneasy knowing what my mom would have to endure if she had it. 10/15/12 my mom called me in the morning crying. She said the doctor confirmed it was cervical cancer. I must have been shocked because I'm a cry baby and I felt nothing. I had a blank stare and I didn't even know how to respond to the news. I immediately started thinking of plans. As if I can write my mothers life down on a piece of paper and expect it to go right. Talking to my best friend did prepare me for this kind of news so before my mom told me this I gave all the symptoms to my best friend and asked her if her mom had the same things. All was confirmed and is why I expected the worse news from my mom. I was all cried out so maybe that's why I couldn't feel any emotions when my mom told me. I don't know why but I hate it either way. I marked the date 10/15/12 as the saddest day of my life.


At this point I've talked to all my siblings and we all vented and cried to each other. My older sister wanted my family to move to Oregon to help her with my mom. I tried not to mislead her into thinking I would do so but I didn't know how to help my mom without being there physically, so that idea didn't sound like too much to ask for. I spoke to my twin about my feelings with this request my older sister wanted from me. My twin has 7 children all under 11 so our family never asks her for much. I know my older sister hinted to her to move out to Oregon as well but her expectation was she wouldn't. With me however it was a different story. Everyone knows I would do anything for my family. My older sister just expected I would not have to be asked and just make the move. My thoughts on this is hard for me to express without me sounding selfish. Of course I don't look at it that way but anyone who knows their mother had cancer wouldn't they do what they can to make their mothers life bareable? Or happy? Let me explain my story.......


My parents divorced awhile back. It was the most life changing, traumatic, heart breaking thing that has ever happened to me. It was like I was listening to my favorite song and all of the sudden it STOPPED. No pause, nothing just STOPPED. My family was no longer unified and I hated every minute of it. To see my mom suffer and be tortured by my fathers betrayal took a toll on me. I looked up to my father in so many ways. I will never deny my father of raising me right and he definitely is the best father any daughter would be blessed to have. But I don't know how I can understand his mistakes without questioning his every intention and thought process. It still bothers me because I wonder how he could do what he did and not think about what it would do to our family. That I guess I will never know. One thing about my family is our parents don't discuss their personal issues. As much as they talk to us and all though we may communicate well we cross the line at my parents personal lives. One thing though is I will never believe my father does not love my mother. Some can say one would have to if one had children with them but I KNOW my father and mother genuinely love eachother. Reason why I don't waste my time with my fathers current wife because I know their relationship is based on lies, deceit and lust. I have many reason to believe so. That would have to be another blog but really "it is what it is". With that all being said the way my parents decided to move on was like this......


 My dad literally packed his things and left. He went to stay with his sister and if he let my mom know this I do not know. I know she was hurt. She sobbed, moped around and depressingly tried to sleep her pain away. My mom ended up meeting someone at a club in Carson shortly after my dad left. He was visiting from Oregon so they spoke a lot on the phone. Couple months into them talking she announced she was going to Oregon. I personally felt she was moving way too fast. I was concerned but I was taking care of my growing family so I didn't try to talk her out of it. Besides my mother looks at her children as that and only that. My suggestions, advice or questions would be me disprespecting her. I'm sure every polynesian girl could understand that. :) Anyway she returned and now she announced she will be moving to Oregon. Just like that! What in the world was I supposed to do with that kind of information? So now all my siblings are living in this house wondering what we were supposed to do? I'm still trying to process my parents divorce and now my mom is telling me she's leaving us after my dad has already done so. My lil' brother was still in high school. DID THEY EVER THINK ABOUT HIM? Apparently not. My father just sent him back to his biological mother in Utah. How sad can that be for my brother to be given back to his biological mother and be expected to continue on as if this is how it were supposed to be. I have no words for my poor brothers situation. Just dissapointed. I'm not too worried about myself because I have only one option and that is to ACCEPT this is the way my family will be. So my dad moves, my mom moves out of state and we are all living in this house we grew up in trying to figure out what's next. My husband knew my parents wouldn't reconceil and care to help us by atleast notifying us about whether the house would be paid for or if we needed to work it out between eachother. We all knew we would need to pay rent obviously but what plans they had in store for the house was frustrating for us. My husband then told me it was time to move out. He didn't want to put my kids through an eviction. I agree, I would never want my kids to go through that as well. We end up moving in with my in laws. (We were a young couple with 4 kids and it was hard for us to get on our two feet.) My other siblings waited it out until they got the news about if the house would be sold. We expected that to happen. Of course it does. My mom gave them a date to leave and it was literally within that week. Now they are all scrambling around to find shelter. I can't explain how upset I was and I guess I still am. I think it is an awful and irresponsible assumption if my dad thinks that their betrayal is only hurting my mom. Part of being a good parent is knowing the impact we have on our children, and taking responsibility for our actions and behavior. Through this whole fiasco my parents were so caught up in their own lives that they forgot about ours. I walked into mother hood blind. My parents never visited me in the hospital for every birth, my parents never congratulated me, they never asked me if I needed help or helped me when I needed help. I chose to be a mother so they felt I must learn to be a mother. Nothing wrong with me learning how to be a mother but I was still young and my mom should have stepped in. Just helping me understand how to hold them, how to nurse them back to health when they get sick, how to change a diaper and all the basics of mother hood. I got no help. My husband was my rock and I can honestly say he was the one that taught me how. I was lost in so many ways. I even started to adapt myself to his family because I loved the feeling of unity when I was with them. His mother was there for me more than my own and I don't have a problem admitting it because it's true. I built up resentment and anger over the years because I knew my parents knew I needed them. I can't say they seriously thought we'd all be okay but regardless any parent should know when their child is struggling. I don't know if I'll ever find clarity within myself because I find myself acting on emotions. I know I am in store for a long journey to figure this one out. Years later and I'm still stuck on these feelings. Wow! Praying in full effect is probably best.


 So now that my mom has cancer my sister wants me to drop everything, stop my life, my childrens, my husbands and move out there to help her. Now you understand why this decision was not easy for me. My sister has 8 kids and the oldest is 20. They all live in Oregon. I love that they are there because my mom could get the help she needs. My sister does not see it that way though. We are my mothers children and we should be there. I know my sister will be overwhelmed at times and I know my mom will be too. But I know they can take her to her appointments etc. My mom does not want to take chemo first of all. Doctors told her the cancer was too large to operate and she was at stage 3 already. Chemo was all they felt can help prolong her life or even save her life. She didn't want to. I thought at first chemo would help because my best friend said it helped her mom but after thinking about it my mom is still active and healthy. I can live with her decision but I want her around as long as possible and I dread the future. I feel horrible and guilty for not moving to Oregon but I can support and love my mom just as much from where I am. I have made plans to see her more often of course. I paid for her ticket to visit us this Christmas and I'm excited. I figure I can try my hardest to make things work. Despite everything she is still my mother. I will always love her. My main focus right now is to have my children get to know their grandma. I see my dad more often than my mom because I live out here in Utah where his siblings live so he visits for occasions and reunions. My mother on the other hand does not. We drove out to Oregon in 2011 for thanksgiving to see my mom and that was the last I seen her. My twin seen her in California when she was there and she cried telling me her experience. Growing up my mom wasn't really affectionate. She was a totally cool mom and my memories with her were when we were teens going to dances and things like that. She's an outstanding cook, funny and has the biggest heart. But for some reason she had a hard time showing us she loved us. I don't mean we didn't know she did or she didn't know how to but it was hard for her. I can't remember her hugging us or giving us a kiss with meaning. If she did it felt forced or awkward. I'm not sure what kind of life my mom lived but I know it wasn't a easy one. But when my twin told me how my mom was when she seen her it was the most beautiful sound I heard from my twins mouth. She explained how my mom played with her kids. The image of her running behind each of the kids on the swing pushing them played over in my sisters had and is when she started crying. She got on the seesaw with all of them on one side and her on the other. These were moments we both longed for so these simple gestures meant a lot to us. We had a moment together playing that image over and over in our heads. Overwhelmed with emotions we hung up with heavy hearts. This past week has been a test for me. I have been stressing over bills, car problems and how I am going to pay for my moms ticket. A big weight has been lifted after my wonderful husband fixing the car on his own, talking to the manager about my rent being late and being able to have my mom alter dates on when she can come out to Utah so it's more affordable for me. I feel a lot better. With that being said I have to write a whole list of things to do and fix for my moms arrival. Can't wait for Christmas! YAY! (: