Where do I even begin. I have been so overwhelmed, stressed and beyond exhausted with all that has been going on lately. My mothers cancer has gotten worse and since her scare in January I have been traveling back and forth to take care of my mom. I have always been susceptible to colds and flu's. Every single time I have returned home I've had either strep throat, bronchitis, high fever and so weak I can't even carry my bags out the airport. Jetlag, lack of sleep, stress and worry has been all I'm used to. This would be literally my 11th time going through long TSA lines, running to catch my plane cause I couldn't make it to the airport on time, waiting 6 hours in between connections, hopping from one plane to another and having to clean it after each ride, 5 hours of sitting on a plane trying to catch up on rest but I can't cause I can't find a comfortable position. The best way to explain how I feel when I return home is like getting hit by a truck. I kid you not I flew in Wednesday evening and asked my husband to take me straight home so I can lie down and rest. I slept until the next day 24 hours literally. Didn't eat or have the energy. When I did get up it was for 15 minutes to make calls about bills etc. and went back to sleep until the day after. It's Saturday right now and I can say I officially caught up with my sleep. Now I have to juggle working and taking care of my kids. With that all being said where in there can I say I spent time with my own family? I've been so worried about everything and anything and even the things I can't control I worry about. My marriage seems to be suffering and to be honest I have no energy to even care. That's the sad, blunt truth. I have done nothing but fight with my husband about bills, finances, time, money and the kids. That's just to name a few. I've gotten to the point where I have no feelings what so ever and that scares me. I don't want to be this way. I cried for weeks straight, I've screamed in a pillow more than 10 x's a day especially when I was caring for my mom. She's not a easy person to take care of by the way. She's in denial, she's angry and she takes every opportunity to take it out on me. Every time I leave her to return home she tells me she hates me and why do I do this to her? I am so used to wearing sunglasses constantly regardless of sunshine because my eyes are so swollen from crying all the time. The public would probably think I was some kind of dramatic piece of work. When I leave my kids to see my mom it's the same routine. I break down and cry on the plane because I miss them and I hate what we're all going through. I don't know if there is another word worse than overwhelming that can describe what I feel. I feel like that word doesn't give justice to how I'm feeling.
But than I decided to pray! How selfish have I been to forget to PRAY? Especially through this time with my mother? How undeserving, unworthy can I be to forget to ask my father in Heaven for help, guidance, faith and strength. I carry the world on my shoulders and think I can do what my poor little heart wishes it can then it crashes down on me and I melt. Just like that! Who am I to seek the Lord when I feel it's convenient! Who am I to ask the Lord for help when I never obeyed his every word. Who am I to ask for forgiveness if I continue to disappoint him by making the same mistakes? With the millions of things that cross my mind daily why have I not taken a second to kneel down and PRAY? When I started to feel distant from my husband, my siblings, my father and even my mother I questioned where my life was heading. What am I really mad about? What am I really fighting with my husband about? Why do I choose the decisions I do? This is in fact is one of the hardest plans God has made for me. To sit and watch my mother die is the hardest thing to do. The sacrifice I've made is hard to deal with. The fact that I feel like giving up is something I'm not used to. I've always tried my hardest in anything I put my efforts into. But all of this is just too much for me. Even with all these confused feelings I still prayed. He's still my father and he'll still listen. I knew ONLY the LORD can clear my mind, my worry and my heart. I knew he would bring peace and walk me through this path he paved for me. When he chose this plan for me I thought I was ready. I thought I could fight this fight and apparently even the fight my mom was fighting. Cancer? Pssst I got this! That was my attitude! But I was so wrong. There has been curves in this road, windy, steep parts of this road and even missing sections to the road where I had to jump across or ask for a hand to help me over. I thought I'd be able to walk it all alone and hold my head high through the process. But how can I walk this type of road alone? How can I hold my head high when I have to wipe my tears and sometimes look away to make sure the coast is clear?
So when I cried again a long, exhausting night and stared at the ceiling, the only thing I had was PRAYER. Even if I doubt myself or question myself I still turned to my father in Heaven. I knew he would listen even when I was silent or didn't know what to say. He heard my heart! The one person I thanked the Lord for (which was my husband) was who was getting the bulk of my attitude and that wasn't fair. If there is anyone that needs and can walk this road with me it would be my husband. I don't know how I can be a good wife, mother and daughter without sacrificing some time from each of them? So where do I draw the line? Simple.
I'm taking care of ME! Is that selfish? No......why? Because I can't be sick and expect to take care of my mom. I can't be exhausted and expect to come back to my children who have been waiting for my arrival for weeks just to sit down and eat or play. I can't be so strong to take care of my mother 24-7 with literally 2 hrs of sleep a day and come home to my husband who really only wants to hold me and embrace the fact that I'm in his arms. These are the things that matter most to me. So I need to take care of me! Take it slow. Day by day and let the Lord, my husband and my family HELP me! I have to accept it because I'm just driving myself crazy. I'm wiping my tears and putting on my mommy, wife, sister and daughter hat. I don't know how I'm gonna find the balance between it all but I promise I won't go through the same heart ache if I can avoid it. I beat myself all the time when my mom expresses her feelings towards me in such a hateful way but she has to understand I am a MOTHER too! I have to stop throwing all my problems on my husband because he can't tell me how to feel. He can't do anything about my mom throwing fits so telling him everything I go through at once could be overwhelming for him I'm sure. When I go home I've tried to make it an appoint to do just that BE with my family. Not with my mom, my siblings or anyone else for that matter just them. My husband and my kids. They deserve my attention. I've finally learned that and I know I'll struggle because I still can't figure out what I'm gonna do. But, I'm gonna LET GO and LET GOD! Shout out to my mommy who I miss with just writing this short post. Despite of what I go through and what I've been through with her she still holds a big place in my heart. I love her. Another shout out to my husband. I don't know if one day he'll stumble on my blogs but when he does hopefully he smiles that I mention him so often. lol Maybe this post not so much but he knows I love him. Even when I throw my hands up and think I'm giving up I find myself praying for him more than myself. There's no other Jude in this world and I can't ever replace him so I've never giving up. I love you honey! Thank you for being patient with me and for saying YES when you wanted to say NO only because you knew it would break my heart to say NO. Thank you for calling me at odd hours of the night when I was so tired and gave you a cranky hello because even that small gesture reminded me that you were thinking of me. Thank you for rushing me to the airport constantly only to see me walk away from YOU. Thank you for loving me even when I wasn't lovable. Thank you!
To my Heavenly Father who has always been there for me THANK YOU! I know this will only make me stronger! I know you wouldn't put me through something I can't handle. You know me better than I know myself . I'm sorry for being the child I know you raised better than that. You'll always be instilled in everything I do. I may not know it but I feel your presence, your glow through my children especially. My little angels. You've blessed me as a mother to these children and I know I haven't done a great job in taking care of them but I won't give up. You've made me that way! I am so grateful for you Lord and again THANK YOU!
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